Thanks guys. Anvil, your post made me teary-eyed. I have developed a pretty neat friendship with my first ex - the kids Dad. We are working to get him up here for HS graduation next spring. It's nice to be away from the RAH and know I can have my 1st Ex here without drama and conflict. He can even stay at my house - because its MY house.
jds - I have been moving on. But...well..ummmm...I did meet someone. Ok, ok, I really am not interested in dating, per se. But I did find him very attractive and we had a great conversation and we've been talking since then and damn it! Damn it! Damn timing! But I am enjoying being asked My opinion and MY thoughts and being told I am a neat person. We are not "dating" but we have been talking. And I don't feel guilty at all - but I do feel stuck whenever I think about what pursuing this further could look like.
Lexie, yes, the best, kindest thing for me would be for me to let me off the hook on this one. Emphasis on me let myself off the hook. I did the best I could. I showed up for this marriage, but its been one hand clapping the entire two years. I can't do one hand clapping - it makes me look and feel foolish! ; ) And it is a HUGE waste of my precious years left on this planet.
I have been praying for strength on this one for over a month. Today I took the first step. I did block his number from calling or texting me. I filtered his emails from hitting my inbox. I am cutting him off - communication stops today. No more crazy making behavior from this guy. I have an appt with my therapist tomorrow. I have a meeting tonight. I have my books, my new house, my many DIY projects in the queue. I have a family who loves me and shows it. I have two awesome kids, a great job, two neurotic dogs who do bring me great joy in their dysfunction. The RAH is becoming a bother. A PITA. I see the game clearly now. And for the game to end, I need to stop playing. Just. Stop. Playing.
*SIGH*