Tuffgirl

I love that line - use it often! ; )

And today I find myself wandering around the hardware store searching for a loaf of bread. My quandary...I am separated from my RAH and suffering from the expectations of marriage. He wants nothing to do with me, continues to blame me for separating (I ruined the marriage), refuses to take part of anything having to do with working on the marriage, yet gets infuriated if I talk about a divorce. He says he "doesn't want a divorce" but he has no relationship with me. Why have no relationship with a spouse? Why not make them NOT YOUR SPOUSE then? If he doesn't want to have a relationship with me, why does he not divorce me???

Here's where I am really hung up - I showed up for this marriage. I participated as best I could. I sat, night after night, waiting for him to show up and participate in this new family we created. Instead he lived his hermit life in his office, snuggling up to Jack Daniels. Why should I have to be the one to file for divorce if I don't want a divorce? I wanted the marriage he sold me when we were dating!

So he won't have any kind of relationship with me. Yet he won't file for divorce. I would like to see if the marriage is workable, given he has been sober for over 7 months. But he won't work with me on anything. His anger is coming out sideways all over me. He's still very controlling and irresponsible for his part in all of this.

I can't move forward in my life with the marriage weighing on me like a 50lb chain around my neck. I meant my vows. I can't seem to untangle myself from them. So we are both stuck. I won't file because I don't want a divorce, I want the marriage I thought I was getting. He won't file - probably because it would make him look like the "quitter", holding the blame bag. We are firmly stuck in the oh-so-familiar power struggle.

Should I go ahead and file? I can file contested where he simply gets served papers. Is there any point in waiting...given he wants nothing to do with me? If I continue to wait, I hold myself back from living my own life, but I also feel a bit chapped that I will be giving him exactly what he wants, more ammunition to blame me with. For example, "Well YOU are the one who divorced ME" said with a sneer and dripping with contempt. I can see it now.

How do I remove myself from this power struggle as cleanly and painlessly as possible? Thoughts? Suggestions?