thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice. i think i may go to therapy and talk to someone. i know i have to deal with my feelings myself. i am almost positive that his drinking got me to this point. and part of the problem is my lack of drive and ambition. i've gained more weight than i care to look at in a mirror and my eating habits have gotten so bad. i really want to quit smoking too so i think park of the problem is that when i think of all these things that i think i SHOULD be doing and those i know i SHOULDN'T, i get depressed. maybe its me that needs to heal me...... i see what some of you mean.... i am the only one capable of fixing me.
one good thing..... i was afraid i wouldn't like my AH being sober. i've heard of people quitting alcohol and then finding out they didn't really like each other in the first place because they never really knew each other in anything but a drunken state. but he's a wonderful man and has a great sense of humor and i love being around him now......