I think it has taken me all my life to get to the place where I can post a thread about being present right now and content with it all. It is not the life I thought I was getting at all. But it is the life I have and I can decide how I want to spend it. Do I want to be miserable and unhappy and stuck in something or somewhere that isn't fulfilling? Or do I want to go make the life I want to live that suits me and makes me feel happy and content? Once I answered that question, it was a matter of taking the next steps to make that happen. It was being confident to take risks. Being courageous in the face of fear. Believing in God's will for me...that when I found that path I would feel right about it.
Each step that I took that worked and felt right gave me more confidence to keep walking in that direction. I don't know where this path will take me, and I no longer fear the future. I focus on each day as best I can, knowing it is one more day I don't get to have. I take opportunities I normally wouldn't, exploring each door that opens knowing I may or may not want what is behind that door. I practice the tools I have learned in this journey - compassion, empathy, not engaging in someone else's crazy-making behaviors, etc. Some days I get it right and it feels good. Other days I make mistakes and learn from them to do better next time.
Some days I wake up and feel perfectly content, others I feel sad and lonely. And its ok. I no longer feel the need to run out and "fix" my feelings. I can just feel them and move on. Learning the fine art of detachment is still challenging for me, but each day I practice allows me to get a little better at it. And detachment really is key to fostering those feelings of personal happiness. It allows me to sit on my deck, enjoying my flowers in the sunshine with a good cup of coffee while my daughter rattles on and on about her dramas with her boyfriend. Or to listen to the RAH quack and quack about how everything is still my fault. The hook is swinging just under my nose and now, I no longer open my mouth and swallow it. No one gets to ruin my serenity without my permission.
We say often here and in Al-Anon, "You are exactly where you are supposed to be right now". Embracing this keeps me from the insatiable need to 'change something' so I don't feel anxious or uncomfortable. My Al-Anon friend said this very thing to me yesterday when I said I thought I was headed for divorce. Nothing else, just that phrase. Brought me back around from wallowing to acceptance.