Hey FLSunshine...
your post is timely for me today. You see, I thought I was doing so well in my recovery. I was "detached", I was moving forward one step at a time... I was getting on with living. Except... I still had a hook in my AH. I hadn't really let go. I was still watching him, and hoping that MY behavior/recovery was going to stimulate growth in him! Sure, I was getting better, and I was making progress (and that's a good thing!)... but as long as I kept one eye, hand, or hook on him... I was being held back. I was looking for positive affirmation (from his actions! yikers!) that I was working my program right. Ya know that whole, "If we work the program, our family life is bound to improve" thingy... uh yeah, sick ole me, twisted that into - "If you become a better more perfect wife Shannon, he'll have no choice but to sober up! How could he not want to get sober after he sees how peaceful, joyous and free YOU are!"
Ooopsy... I was wrong. I mis-applied the program, and that's okay.
Our recovery is for us. That's it. We initially find our way here for them, and if we stay long enough - we realize that if there's someone who needs saving (and is worth saving)... it's US. And then eventually we learn that it's okay to save ourselves, even if our loved ones choose to keep making the same old unhealthy choices over and over again. And in time - the situation does improve (I'm not saying the marriage is saved - big difference)... the situation improves because WE heal. Our emotional health recovers and we grow stronger - and we no longer participate in the dance and insanity. And so the chaos subsides - and in the peace, we find our truth... and from a calm and healthy place... we make decisions, that honor us as individuals.
To me, that's how the Al-anon program works...
and I was reminded by some wise, old-timers... that it would work just like that for me - if I put the work in ;-)