bexxed

My mind is exhausting, with all of the commotion about alcohol. "If you declare you have a problem, then you'll create one. You're fine. Look, ____ and _____ drink way more than you do." "Are you serious? You really never want to taste a new porter ever again?" "You have a good job, and you're healthy. Not only will no one believe you, but you will be OFFENSIVE to those people in AA. They've been to hell and back."

Yesterday I started to go to a meeting. I pulled in just on time after getting turned around on the road, and saw a circle of men sitting OUTSIDE. They all looked up at the rental car I was driving. I pulled out and left without thinking. I felt so on the spot. Instead I came and stalked here.

The thing is that I had a hell of a weekend. No, I didn't wake up from a blackout, with no money and a hangover... but I have. And honestly, what is a hangover? I haven't had a drink -not one- in three days and this morning felt better than any morning I can remember since- the last time I didn't have a drink for three days. Which has happened a few times in the last six years or so.

What's normal and why would I want to be it?

I don't have vodka hidden throughout my life like my mother did. I do, however, have a wine cabinet. But hidden through my house are the advil/aspirin bottles. I know I'll need to keep the morning headache from being so debilitating that I can't work. Often my head won't hurt but I'll be dizzy...

I want to be clear, balanced, honest. I have friends in recovery. I want what they have. But speaking of them- why do they always say "you're not an alcoholic" to me? Is it a weird secret game designed to challenge me or do they really not see it? I never said "I'm not an alcoholic"...

So "not alcoholics" feel like this? "not alcoholics" drink until they pass out and wake up a few hours later dehydrated and overheated and unable to go back to sleep? They think about the drink on the way home yeah, I know it was going to be different today but it still can be, it's just one beer, you are going to love it. Wait- why is it such a big deal? Just stop. OK, I stopped. No big deal. Wait a minute, how did I end up going to a bar last night? What happened? I thought I stopped...

day after day. week after week. wait a minute, it's been YEARS?!?!

Oh yeah, that's "not alcoholic".

I was planning to drink on Tuesday. I'd been wasted the night before on a flight, drove home cockeyed, woke up sideways, worked all day... I had the plan to pick up a bottle of wine but instead I wrecked my car. I was "sober" when I did this, in body but not in mind necessarily. But I owned that serenity prayer by the end of the day. I don't want to go back.