Pigtails

Thanks. This is true. She doesn't often drink with me so she wouldn't be the one to know. And as Susan says she's not an alcoholic so maybe she wouldn't understand.

She does know me well though and knows that I have the tendency to be really hard on myself and over-analyze everything. I think she thinks I'm just over-reacting.

I don't know anyone who says I'm an alcoholic... my ex fiance says maybe I am and if so then he is too... and I know it is only for me to decide and that's what's driving me crazy. My sister knows me better than anyone in the world and she is a lot like me and she says it's a matter of control, that both of us have the tendency to be all or nothing extreme and we need to just think before we make decisions and make sure we're making healthy ones. She also told me I need to stop analyzing everything and shut my brain off and stop obsessing... I said I would love to but how do I DO that? She said just stop thinking so much and just be myself. That was really helpful advice for me and I've been trying to follow it although it's easier said than done.

I like the idea of getting a professional assessment Susan. My own therapist said she doesn't think I'm an alcoholic but then again I don't think she's an alcohol specialist.

I had a really rough day yesterday, my brain was driving me crazy as you all know and I wanted to just hide in a cave or something. I was sick of thinking about the issue. I went to an AA meeting after work mainly because a friend I had made at a different meeting texted me to invite me to this one. It was a woman's only meeting and there were a lot of women there, it was the biggest meeting I had been to, and I was glad I didn't have to talk. I just didn't feel like being there. I'm just trying to be honest. It felt like a cult with their sayings and rituals and they said some prayer at the end that I had never heard of. It was the first time I felt out of place at a meeting, all the other meetings I have really liked. Maybe my brain was just rebelling against it, I don't know. I really don't know what's going on and am just trying to put this all out there.

I really felt like, screw this, I want a normal life and I can drink. But I didn't, I went running with my dog even though I really didn't feel like it. This morning I woke up very early (I am so not a morning person) and met my good friend and we ran 3 miles and I was so proud of myself. I feel like that alone is a good reason not to drink at night... so I can get up early and get my day going. I had a lot of energy and ran fast and felt good. I took my car for a car wash which I don't think I've ever done before, ha ha... my ex fiance always used to do it or my dad when he's in town visiting me. I have a lunch meeting with my good friend and a woman she knows who owns her own business in the career field I'm in and that I enjoy, but she's having a baby and may need someone to take it over temporarily or some sort of arrangement like that... this is part of the new plan I was making for myself, to go into business for myself either where I live or back home where my family lives. I think part of my problem is I'm feeling so overwhelmed... I just moved to a new place to save money, my dog is recovering from major surgery after a bad acccident and at first they thought she wasn't going to make it and it's a lot of work, I've been looking into starting my own business... it's just a lot. It feels hard to obsess over alcohol and do all of this so that's why I'm trying hard not to obsess about it.

I just want to be normal and happy, I really don't know why that's so hard for me. I am back to feeling overall happy, and hopeful that my life is perking up. :-) I don't have all the answers but I'm enjoying the moments and trying to let go of my obsessive thoughts. Thanks everyone for the help. This is my day 10, I'm finally in the double digits, and it really wasn't super hard until yesterday.