Pigtails: Although I got very confused this weekend when I was talking to my friend at her farm. She is my one responsible healthy happy friend out here and I thought that if anyone would think it's a good thing I stop drinking, it would be her. Instead she said she doesn't think I'm an alcoholic or that I need to stop drinking. She said I have been going through a stage because I am "recently" single (I pointed out to her that I broke off my engagement nearly a year ago and if this is a "stage" then it's sure time to get out of it) and that these things change with time and circumstances.
Did you ask your one happy healthy responsible friend how she defines alcoholism? People have a ton of misconceptions as to what it means to be alcoholic. The typical stereotype is the homeless guy, living under the bridge, with a cheap bottle of wine wrapped in a brown paper bag. And that certainly is one face of alcoholism. But it is more likely than not the high powered driven successful lawyer who drives a Mercedes and lives in an exclusive gated community. That too is a face of alcoholism.
If you want to learn how to make home-made authentic Italian pasta, who would you ask to show you how? An Italian grandmother who immigrated to the US from the old country would probably be a good bet. If you wanted to learn auto repair, who would you ask to show you how? Classes at the local JVC on auto repair would probabaly be a good bet. If you want to learn about alcoholism and what it means to be an alcoholic, where would you go to get information? I say ask the experts at Alcoholics Anonymous.
What you might consider doing, Pigtails, since the question as to whether you are alcoholic or not is driving you nuts is to get a professional assessment/evaluation done.
Call up some local treatment centers and/or some therapists who specialize in chemical dependency/alcoholism/addiction. Make an appointment for an assessment. Sit down, talk with the therapist, be completely 100% honest about your drinking, amount, patterns, thinking, blackouts, attempts at controlled drinking, negative consequences, etc. Answer whatever questions he or she asks of you. And I do mean be honest. One way or another, you will have an answer. You won't have to obsess anymore.
Susan