Pigtails: So I ask myself, why not just never drink even if I don't label myself as an alcoholic? I guess because I would really like to be "normal."
I have learned that I can't fix a problem that I don't acknowledge that I have. For me, accepting that I am an alcoholic was the first step in dealing with it. If I were to think of myself as "normal" and as a "non-drinker", my mind would latch on to the "normal" part and forget completely about the "non-drinker" part. After a period of abstinence, my mind would tell me, "You haven't had a drink in x amount of time. Surely you can have just one. A long period of abstinence should entitle you to drink like a normal person." And I would believe my mind. Not good. We all know where that would take me.
Pigtails: I don't want to be obsessed with not drinking or with AA any more than I'm obsessed with drinking. To me that is still letting alcohol control my life.
Who says that being in recovery means obsessing about not drinking or obsessing about AA? Who says that being in recovery means that alcohol is still controlling one's life?
The gift of working the steps and having a spiritual awakening as a result has been complete freedom from my obsession around alcohol and around drinking. I am not fighting it. I am not avoiding temptation. I have not sworn off. I literally have been placed in a position of neutrality -- safe and protected. The problem has been removed. Sanity has been returned. I do not want to drink. I am free. Look at the bottom of p. 84 and the top of p. 85 in the Big Book. These promises are real.
What I like about AA is the opportunity to meet people who don't drink. But I feel that if I were to get all into it and do all the steps etc. it would be a huge part of my life just like drinking was and I just want to focus on having the kind of life that I want and making my life go in that direction... and really I don't want to have to attend meetings every day etc.
So what is your track record on having the kind of life that you want and making your life go in that direction? How well are you managing your own life? Do you think simply not drinking is going to make your life manageable again? Do you think you can stop drinking and stay stopped drinking on your own?
Your experiment in controlled drinking didn't turn out so well, if I recall correctly. Maybe you would consider an experiement with abstinence. On the top of page 34, the Big Book describes the challenge. Can you leave alcohol alone for one year?
I am not judging you, Pigtails, really I am not. I had to try controlled drinking because I didn't believe the folks in AA. I "passed" the initial test for controlled drinking and then I let go of all efforts or attempts at control. Basically I decided I wasn't alcoholic. Once I gave up trying to control my drinking, that was the point at which I lost all control. I quickly became a daily drinker (to excess) with weekend binges (really excessive).
Then I thought I could just not drink on my own on the basis of self-knowlege and willpower -- no AA, no steps, no Higher Power. Again I didn't believe the folks in AA. I figured that I knew better than they did. My experiment in abstinence lasted about nine months. I did not drink (by all rights I should have) but I became so miserable from not drinking that suicide began to look like a viable option to me. I was suffering from untreated alcoholism. That was no way to live.
I went back to AA and I worked the steps as if my life depended upon them. It did. As I look back, I probably needed to try both controlled drinking and abstinence, and have both of those experiences fail badly, before I would have been willing to accept direction and do the work entailed in the steps. Now that I am on the other side, so to speak, I can't understand why I fought and resisted AA, the steps, etc.
If I were to look at it from a pure cost-benefit analysis, I am more than compensated for a relatively minimal commitment of time, effort and energy in comparison to the gifts and blessings AA has given me. Initially, I didn't want any of it. Now I am sold. I want everything AA has to offer me. Honestly, it never occurred to me that I might not know what I would really like, want, find of value, etc.
By the way, I don't go to a meeting every day. I have been averaging 3-4 meetings per week. I look forward to meeting nights. I wouldn't miss them for the world.
Susan