Hi Sunshine!
You really seem to have a grip on what's going on. So glad you found us, and glad you found alanon as well.
When I first started Alanon, my qualifier was my alcoholic step father. I used to think that, since he didn't beat me or abuse my physically or sexually, that my upbringing "wasn't that bad", and that I didn't qualify as an adult child of an alcoholic. But I learned there are other types of abuse, some worse than others.
I'm 35, and just left my alcoholic boyfriend (exabf) a couple months ago. I found myself thinking the same things, before i left: "Am I ever going to have kids? Am i ever going to get married and settle down? I mean, was it really that bad?" But i decided it was, because I didn't want to share my life with someone that was hiding from his in a bottle. He was depressed too, played the clown when he got drunk, wanted to be the life of the party. But deep down, i'm pretty sure he hated himself. (He sure acted like he hated himself the next morning when i would tell him what he did the night before.) And I don't want to share my life and have kids with someone who doesn't even like himself.
You didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it... but it seems you realize that already. You're just deciding if you can live with it. And only you can decide that. I heard a story on here a little while ago about a woman whose husband drinks, and once in a while she has to sleep in another room, or if he's really bad, she leaves and goes to a hotel for the night. And she's content living that way. Some people are okay having a marriage like that... some aren't. Everyone has a different level of tolerance for different things. It's just a matter of being honest with yourself on what's acceptable, and what's not, and sticking to those principles in all of your decisions.
Change is hard, even change for the better. I had recently closed a business and moved out of state to follow my ex, and after 5 months realized it was a horrible idea and I needed to cut my losses aspa. So i left... barely any money left after the move (2 moves actually, one there and one back to SC), no job, nothing on the horizon. But I have a supportive family and a great network of friends, most of which were happy that I figured out how toxic he was, and happy to have me back. And only once did i second guess my decision to leave. It was for one night, about 3 days after i got back to SC. It last for one night... less than 12 hours of tears and "oh what have I done". I am confident that my HP has more in store for me than to watch someone sit on the couch and drink themselves to death.
Keep reading, the stickies are great, and there are many stories on here that will show you what the "life with an alcoholic" ride is like. **