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Read this thread. It describes experiences that friends and families of alcoholics have, that others (aka "normies") don't have.
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I remember having a lot of doubts about both my first and second marriages. My first husband was not an alcoholic; my second husband was (is still) an alcholic.
For my first wedding, the one with the big ceremony and the white dress and family flying in from across the nation, Well, once all of the plans had been made and invitations had been sent, even though I felt a sense of foreboding that the marriage would not turn out well, I figured the plans had been made and I pretty much had to go through with it. We divorced after four years.
Things I saw "might" happen, when I had that sense of foreboding, DID happen...and THEN some.
Instead of halting the plans, I locked myself into the contract. It is a decision I wish I would NOT have made. I hear you saying that you are in a similar place. Just remember, it's a lot easier to cancel all those plans for the ceremony, than it is to go through with a situation where you have tangible doubts, based on real feelings and evidence.
I want to reach in and do it for you (codependent alert on high) so that you don't have to go through the "I Knew I Should Have Canceled The Wedding" feelings that I went through.
So since I can't do that and I really wouldn't do that even if I could (really) I'll just hold up a big STOP sign and hope for the best.
The second marriage to the XAH - We eloped to Vegas. He rushed me into the marriage.
Better yet and more truthful, I shall say, I allowed myself to be rushed into the marriage.
The day the plane landed in Vegas, he changed into this ogre. I figured it must be cold feet. Little did I know that the change was not only NOT temporary - it was how he would treat me for the rest of the two years until I was finally able to extracate myself from his tight grasp.
He isolated me, or shall I better say, I allowed myself to be isolated by him (not knowing any better at the time)...
And, that being said, I really don't want to think about it any more. I found his YouTube and Facebook pages so I could block him before he found me, and he is still drinking heavily, and quite proud of it.
I am married to an AH now. I was much more sure and ready to get into this marriage than either of the first two, and it has lasted the longest. It has its challenges, and they are many, and the hardest challenges revolve around his being A and not in recovery.
It puts me in harm's way and I have a plan B in case any of the deal-breakers come to pass. In fact, in this past week, I have learned I have more options in Plan B than I could have known before. And wow, Plan B looks better all the time.
AND IN RETROSPECT. (Hindsight being 20/20 and all.) If I had it all to do over again, I would not have gotten married in 1989 (lasted 4 years) or in 1994 (lasted 2 years) or in 2003 (met in 1997; relationship has lasted 14 1/2 years, marriage 7 1/2 years).
I would have done far more to take care of my codependent nature that evolved in childhood being raised by a schizophrenic narcissistic sadistic mom.
Hindsight being 20/20 and all, I see that I went into marriage with a lot of baggage - and expectation - from childhood. There's a saying out there, that you marry someone like the parent with whom you have/had issues, hoping to resolve them in a marriage, where you couldn't resolve them in your childhood.
And that had everything to do with how I partnered myself.
THAT in mind, my Words of Wisdom to you would be - search as to why you want to marry this person, even seeing the warning signs???