brandde

Hi, I feel your pain and I know exactly what you are going through. My husband has been lying to me for years about his drug (marijuana) use. What hurts me the greatest is the ease in which he lies to me, looking me directly in the eye and swearing that he is not using, only to admit after some grilling that he actually is. It hurts so bad that the one person I placed all my trust in has been lying to me and has done it more than a couple of times.

The first time I realized he was lying it came as a great shock and sent me through a spin. For years I have been unable to really get back to where I was with him before the lies. However, as I have two small children I have chosen to work with it and figure out how to get back what we lost.

It is SO very difficult to get it back and I'm not sure we ever will. You see, just when I thought everything was behind us, I found out a few months ago that he has been lying to me again, even after he swore it would never happen, ever again. It is really hard to get through this. How is a person supposed to trust someone that they thought they knew? On top of that is the fact that I had literally gone through a period of craziness thinking that there was something seriously wrong with my mental health. I hated him and I felt so bad about it because I thought I was just awful. But now I realize that I was not wrong. My instincts were telling me something and I wasn't listening and I was literally going crazy because that part of me that knows, knew.

The most painful part of all of this is that in fact this is where the most damage to the relationship was done - with the liar actually swearing I am not a good person, I am crazy and there is something wrong with me. I truly started believing him. I wanted him to get out of my life but I didn't know why. Now I realize that I was not listening to my inner voice. I probably should have left back then, but with two little children to take care of it is a difficult decision to make. I probably should have just walked out but a deeper part of me was always feeling the hope. When I reflect back over the past few years I do see where I have also not been innocent, where I have had control and behavioral problems (anger management issues mainly). When I was really angry with him I had fantasies that he would leave, or just eat so much crap that he died of a heart attack. (There, I said it, but I don't think I'm the only angry wife who has felt that way before, am I?) The good news is that I truly don't feel that way now and I feel that it is because I am healing from my own past pain. I don't feel that level of resentment (or anger) any more, thank God. I have realized that the issues I have are always mine to resolve. If I have anger then I need to deal with the anger and not project the blame onto him. And I'm not saying that that means his lying is okay too!

Through praying and hoping and, well, God's grace, my comfort in this past year has actually been found in a spiritual community that I am so grateful to have become part of. It is a non-denominational community that has helped me to feel loved and cared for and has created a solid, non-judgmental space where I can reach back to my past, search deep inside my heart and find out what needs healing, then heal it. I am rediscovering who I am and I am re-communing with that warm, divine God presence that moves in, through and as me.

In this space I am slowly healing and able to open my heart. At the same time I am learning self-compassion, self-respect, self-forgiveness and remembering God within me as the only truth. Destructive thoughts are a thing of my past. I have been able to begin to re-create my life from a solid foundation of self-trust and deal with the pain of my childhood, which has manifested into repeated damaging relationship patterns in my adulthood, and I truly feel this is the key to healing our relationship, whether it ends up being as a married couple or as a divorced couple.

My husband and I are still living in the same house and I do want to work it out. He is seeing a therapist regularly. If he wasn't then I am pretty sure I would not have let him come back home after sending him packing a few months back. I can honestly see some big changes in his attitude and behavior, however I must maintain my understanding that at this point all I can do is deal with my own pain and grow into a stronger, more resilient, more loving person. From this solid foundation I know that I can figure things out from a clearer perspective.

And I know I'm not crazy. Thank God!

So I truly don't know where we are headed in terms of our relationship, but I have looked deeply at my feelings and know that I do love and care about him, that he is truly my best friend (that I don't want him to leave or die just yet!) and that maybe we can get through this. More importantly, however, I know that I must relate to myself and him with compassion and I must continue to learn how to honor myself, having conviction for my truth so that I can make decisions based on that foundation of love rather than fear, self-doubt or self-loathing.

I hope and pray that we can get through this and 50 years from now look back and sigh in relief that we got through 'that phase'. I know that I will personally do that anyway, whether we are together or not ("...every 5 years or so I look back on my life, and have a good laugh..." - Emily Saliers, Indigo Girls, "Watershed"). All I can do right now is pray and do what is mine to do. I have control over my own thoughts and actions, no-one else's, and that's how it is supposed to be.

Thank you for listening...