saphira

I've posted about my husband before... a very supportive, loving husband who also happens to be a manager at a liquor store here in town. Through my 6 years of drinking, he has been subjected to the very worst of me. I used to drink every single night and every single night I would pick a fight with him and say the most horrific things. Everything from what a horrible father he was to that he was the reason I wanted to kill myself. He would always forgive me the next day after I needed reminding of what I had said or done. He would talk to me about my drinking when I brought it up but never asked that I stop, even though I knew that's how he felt. In fact, I used to wonder if he really loved me because I would always think, "How could somebody who really loved me watch me do this to myself?"

I am finally on the road to recovery and yesterday we had a long talk (not an argument...not even heated) about my drinking. He told me how resentful he is that we're in this situation to begin with. He told me how resentful he is of me because of all the years that were wasted and how he always felt like I cared more about alcohol than him. He said he still thinks about all the things I've said to him over the years, but that he doesn't ever want to talk to me about it because he doesn't want me to feel bad and because things are getting better now. He said that he would feel better about things if I could promise him that I will never let it get back to that point again-- that to know that he would never have to go through that again would make him feel better. That put me in an extremely tough position, because while I would love to say "Of course, honey. I promise you." people relapse all the time. Even though I've been struggling more recently on the weekends, I can't imagine going back to my daily routine, but I'm sure all alcoholics feel that way.

Anyway, I think it's ironic that it's when I'm feeling stronger that all of these emotions came out. Honestly, I think he's having a really hard time dealing with this. I think he feels guilt because he works where he does and I think he's still dealing with all of the resentment that's built up over the years.

All of this makes me very, very sad. I wish I could go back, but I can't. I guess my question is how do you help your partner through all of the resentment? Is there anything I can do? Have any of you ever dealt with this? I have caused so much pain and I feel so helpless about it. I don't know how to fix it. He's a very good man and doesn't deserve to be in this position.