Tuffgirl

Thanks SR friends. Anvil gets the prize today...she's right...the issue isn't this credit card balance. I talked it all over with my sponsor, and it dawned on me. He said one sentence in the midst of the whole nasty argument that was out of context..."How am I supposed to know what is going on in your life?"

Secondly, after a meeting Thursday evening (Al-Anon for me, AA for him, same time same location) I hung around talking with some guys about biking. One was an Al-Anon fellow and the other two were from the AA meeting. The RAH stood off to the side with another group the entire time. When I finally extracted myself to head home, I rode right by him and smiled and said hello, but I didn't stop or anything. I thought it was strange that he would hang around like that but since he didn't make any attempt to have a conversation or join our conversation about biking, I was left with the assumption he was just having a conversation with his AA friends.

I don't think any of this is coincidental. I think he was looking for a fight and threw out some bait that he knew would hook me right in. It worked. Finances is a bitter subject between us. And it is because it was something he used to verbally beat me with, for no apparent reason than to make me feel bad. I manage lots of money for my employer. I manage lots of money for my volunteer boards. I write budgets for grants. The bank just gave me a sweet mortgage. I have an excellent credit score. I pay my bills. I am financially responsible. And I've made this payment on time, each month, for more than a year already.

I think he was mad about the meeting events. He's always been irrationally jealous (another trait that I didn't see until AFTER I said "I do"). Seeing other men take an interest in me - even something as totally harmless as talking to me about biking and trails around our hometown...would set his teeth on edge. I think he worked himself up between Thursday evening and Friday when he sent the text. I think it was his immature fumbling way to try to have a conversation. And that joint account is the only thing left between us. Everything else I have already taken care of.

So this morning, I am realizing I learned a good lesson here. Don't respond immediately when something sends me into an emotional state. Wait. Think. Talk it over with someone first. Read between the lines. Especially since the RAH never communicates directly. Secondly, trust in the fact that things will be as they always are. I keep acting as if the RAH will act differently next time. That's my own distorted thinking. He's given me no reason to think this - that's my own stuff here. If things begin to be different, I can be pleasantly surprised, rather than constantly disgusted and disappointed if they don't change. Lastly, I prefer little contact right now. And that is perfectly ok. He makes me anxious and defensive. In order to protect my serenity, I need to limit the contact we have. And that's ok.

I've done pretty well over the last two months not responding to bait...yesterday I reacted. It caught me off guard. It was something he has never done before. Ever. He's not the "friendly reminder" kind of guy. He's more apt to let you forget so he can use it against you later when he's got his mad on.

And now, I leave this behind to go enjoy my weekend and be grateful that I was able to accomplish all that I accomplished over the last 6 months so this stupid little issue is the only remaining stupid little issue between us.