TwoWolves - I am so sorry for your pain and confusion. However, as Suki says above, trying to rationalize irrational behavior is a recipe for madness (yours) and will only bring you more pain. It has taken me many months and a separation from my husband to come to terms with that need and let it go. I really needed everything to make sense before I could accept any of it. Framing it into the disease of alcoholism was helpful but still...I struggled with this one for a long time, and some days still find myself going back to the confusion.
It just is. It may kill him. It certainly has led to some very bad choices on his part. Very irresponsible behavior. He is not being a good husband, father, role model. So I have to ask, when framed in that light, can you find some relief that he is finally out of your hair? Anything positive about your current living arrangements? Mine is not what I wanted or thought I was getting, but not living with alcoholism sure is more calm, peaceful, and structured! My teens thank me for moving us out and getting our own house. They can now focus on living their own lives, instead of constantly worrying about their lousy home life.
Try to focus on the positive aspects of your life today - make a gratitude list. Our attitudes are the only thing we have the power to change.
Take good care,
~T