Confused by my feelings
My feelings the last 3-4 wks has thrown me for a loop. My ah was an opiate abuser for 5-6yrs & I just found out in Dec. He has been free of opiates for 6 months. But then he turned to alcohol which he was using all along, but with a nasty turn. A month ago after another one of our really nasty screaming yelling nights while he was drunk, I just lost it. I took pictures of my bruises, I made an appt with a lawyer. I cancelled my lawyer appt. two days later. He saw his addiction specialist the next day. She won't see him again until he goes to AA. He has been going to AA for the last month.
Here is my problem. I love him, But I just dont trust him. He is doing all the right things. I have been trying to do things without him. I feel distant. He is not the man I married & knew the first 15 yrs of our marriage. I don't dislike him, I guess I am afraid to get too close.
He is working the program, but he just seems not the same. After the opiates, I read it can be 1-2 yrs before he can be "rewired".
The first 15 yrs there were no secrets, the next 6 yrs were huge secrets. There aren't as many secrets, but it seems like getting just normal communication is like pulling teeth.
Is this normal?
I am spending lots of time working on me and detaching. It has helped.
But I just don't like this wall I have put up. I am really an all or nothing person. This is such a challenge. I don't want to give up while he is truly working. But I just find my attitude so "over it"
Thanks for any feedback.