I too am doing this on my own. And I know how you were feeling when you said you are accepting the demise of your marraige, slowly letting it sink in. It's definitely a process. I had to mourn the "dream" that we would be happily ever after. It would have been really nice if it worked out but once I firmly believed that living in the stressful situation I was in was not conducive to a healthy lifestyle for me or my kids, the acceptance came.
Once acceptance sank in, I was still afraid to take the action but I figured it had to be better than the life I was living and I needed to trust in my HP that he would guide us and help me find a way to get through it. And so far he has. I'm not going to pretend that it isn't stressful. I sometimes get overwhelmed and angry knowing I did NOT sign up for single parenting. And in some ways it was easier when I had a partner to help me with everyday things and take some of the load off. But when I think about it, it was much harder on me emotionally everyday, never knowing who would walk in that door, Jekyll or Hyde. And it didn't get better after his sobriety.
I will never forget the feeling of freedom, glorious freedom, when I walked in the front door of our new apartment. The feeling that I could make it. I knew it would be so much more for me to do and I still don't like the daily stress of keeping a tight schedule and trying to remember the one million things to do and accomplish in a week. I am too hard on myself when something falls through the cracks. I want to stop sticking myself with pins and needles everytime I don't do it perfectly. I try to use "How Important Is It?" to help me. If no one was left behind somewhere, if no one is bleeding or on fire and I still have a roof over our heads, food on our table and lots of love to give, it can't be that bad. All the other stuff is fluff and right now we don't have any. My kids will be okay, better off than going on vacation with an erratic person who makes us miserable the entire time. I guess when I weighed the pros/cons of stay/go, the go/pros won.
I like being the boss of me. I like making decisions and not worrying what shrapnel will fall upon me and/or my kids. I like that I can choose to listen to music or watch my favorite show when I want without someone telling me I'm selfish or rude. I like that I don't have to go to bed or sleep on the couch to avoid an unhappy person or listen to that person put me down and tell me I'm not good enough or that I can't do anything right or that I don't dress right or that my morals aren't good. And the list goes on and on. Today, I'm just grateful for the peace and I'll take whatever comes along with it.
Peace,
Jen