Old 05-30-2011, 04:51 PM
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dancingnow
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
this past year, reflecting on being a single parent

Lately I have been going about my business preparing myself to be a single mom. I sometimes feel really down and start to post here but stop myself because deep down I know I need to move on and even though I am letting go of the dream I had for our marriage I am not yet ready to face a divorce. We are separated and pretty much living as if we are divorced anyway.

I still reach out to my AH expecting the bread and getting the hardware.

My 14 and 17 yo DDs have pretty much accepted that we are living without AH and they take care of the little they need/get from him for the most part on their own.

There are times when my heart breaks for my 10 yo DS as he is determined that we will all be living together again and doing things together again. I find myself every once in a while pointing out to DS how I am taking care of myself and him and his sisters and AH needs to take care of himself and there are many happy times that DS has with each of us and it doesn't have to be with us together. I try to focus him on enjoying these times and enjoy being a 10 year old.

Sometimes I think I am talking to myself more that to DS, saying goodbye to any possibility of true recovery for my AH or maybe I am seeing that true recovery for me is very difficult with contact with AH.

AH knows I do not want active alcoholism in my life and he has chosen to be out of my life. All the work of a divorce is on my shoulders and I want to minimize the impact it will have on me and my kids future. I am taking it one step at a time.

I was looking at my DD sociology book and under the section of divorce there was section on one-parent families where it states "single parents are subject to a special set of stresses and strains." It goes on to list "responsibility overload" - responsibility for making plans and decsions, ensuring care and well-being of families alone, "task overload" - single handling of all the tasks usually distributed between two people - maintain home, care for children and perform satisfactorily in their jobs, spend so much time on a daily basis, no time for themselves, and "emotional overload" -coping with their children's emotional needs in addition to other stuff which means emotional needs and wants of single parents go unfulfilled. And of course being at a financial disadvantage adds a lot of stress.

Reading this helps me face the reality that I am already living this life. It also helps me to have a little compassion for myself and give myself a break for whatever might go wrong.

Formalizing this with a divorce may help me move forward and focus better. I am fortunate right now to have a decent job and AH is providing income.

Although no alcohol in my FOO there was divorce when I was 17. This and all the lying and emotional manipulation with my AH has really taken away my trust which I am working on with my counselor. I feel so lonely sometimes, although I have been reaching out more to some friends and finding I can enjoy being with others and let some of my worries and stress go.

I suppose I keep feeling I don't want to be responsible for breaking our family apart and letting go of any chance for both AH and I to recover and be together.

Some days have really bright moments in them that I haven't had in so many years but some days have really down moments where I feel so sad to not have the AH that I married to share my life with.

Thanks for "listening" to my post. It is helpful for me to get these thoughts down. Any ESH of your own is appreciated. I know many of you are going or have gone through so much.
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