Hi Sharkbait and welcome to SR
Detaching is a really useful thing to do, it helps us protect ourselves from the firing line and deflect. Al-anon is a great programme to learn the art of detaching.
At some point we discover that we have no control over our alcoholics, so there is nothing that we can do to help our alcoholics, they have to want it for themselves. The only thing that we do have control over is ourselves and that is where we can make changes.
What you have been doing for quite a while now hasnt been working (as you found your way here) and at a resonable guess, I bet your situation has just gotten worse. A favourite saying of mine is nothing changes if nothing changes.
Sometimes when we change, our alcoholics pick up on these subtle patterns. I am guessing (again) that their anxiety levels rise as something that keeps their status quo surrounding their drinking habits is changing. Perhaps they are fearful that they will be left on their own. This can be enough to bring about a change within some alcoholics and they will seek recovery for themselves.
Personally, my own AH of 23 yrs told me that he was going to carry on drinking alcohol and if I didnt like it I could leave. I have since spent a year of practising detachment but it didnt work for me. I still felt disrespected and abused, so I gave my AH one more opportunity to stop drinking and then took AH up on his offer for me to leave.
For me, it is like a huge weight/burden has been lifted from my shoulders and I will longer have to live my own life in fear because thats what it has felt like to me.
Please keep reading on SR, there is plenty to wade through. 'A Merry Go Round Named Denial' is one of my favourites. Things will hopefully improve for you now that you have reached out, so glad you found us.