(((Nicam))) - as far as I know, my first XABF is still a "high-functioning alcholic". I only know this because I've reconnected with mutual friends, though he had shut them out for a few years, and they aren't exactly jumping over hoops to be friends with him again. They are truly happy that I'm no longer the same person I was (though still adore my friends), and really like the "new and improved version" that is my life.
For me, I was the one who saw his ugly side, when he'd have just one drink too many and turn into a total jerk. Though he always held nice jobs, had lots of friends, he was STILL emotionally unavailable to me. It took 20+ years, developing my own addiction, and getting into recovery to see him for what he truly was. The hard part, for me, was realizing that I had a part in it. The saying "you get what you tolerate" comes to mind.
I never figured out why I accepted this relationship (NOT raised in a dysfunctional family) but it no longer really matters. What matters is what I do today, when I need to set boundaries, when I need to detach (still have active A's and codies in my life, but they're related to me) but I've gotten much better at detaching, setting boundaries, etc.
Twenty years ago, I thought I couldn't live without him. Today, I realize that I was pretty sick, too (in my codie-ness), have forgiven myself, and am doing better now, because I know better now. It's taken me a while to get to this part, I still slip every now and then, but I rebound a lot faster
Hugs and prayers,
Amy