Originally Posted by
jamaicamecrazy 
Thank You for this post. I feel like I am stuck. I know I am stuck because of my own unrealistic dream of a life that just keeps fading further and further away.
I know I have to stop fighting the inevitable-he does not want to stop drinking, I cannot have a heathy relationship with him if he is drinking.
Yet I do not want to admit defeat. I don't want to give up the fight even if he gave it up long ago.
After a year of separation I still cannot take my wedding ring off. Doing so would symbolize that I am ready to move on. I want to be ready but I still don't feel ready.
I still sleep just on my side of the bed. I cannot use his dresser or closet. Its like I am waiting for him to come back. It's not healthy.
My friend keeps reminding me, "What would you do if he showed up today and said he wanted to come back."
The rational me would say that I could not go back to living the way we were. That I could not take on the enormous challenge of rebuilding trust and respect if he is not in recovery.
The dreamer/codie in me might not be quite so strong.
But the point is moot anyway. He does not want to be in a relationship right now. He wants to do his own thing (drink). This may last the rest of his life.
I think the premise behind this passage in the book is what happened last week when I went to see my therapist. I told him I was still angry but feeling lost on what to do next...things with the RAH aren't really changing much. Still getting a lot of blame and denial to my reality; my experience of living with an alcoholic, etc... I said I felt lost and stuck in regards to what to do next.
My therapist, after a long pause where he stared intently at me, started laughing! He said, "of course you know what to do...you just don't want to do it". He was right for calling me on my 'stuck' thinking. I am not stuck. I am making a choice to feel stuck. I don't have to choose that. I can choose to feel free if I want.
Then I went to an Al-Anon meeting where we talked about finding our "true perspective" and acceptance of our reality. Wow - combined with the therapist, I got a double dose of seeing the need to let go of my distorted thinking, which is what I believe it is.
So, IMHO, feeling stuck is where you are right now, but it is not where you have to remain if you don't want to. That's your choice. That's your power. Do I want to give this man power over my feelings anymore? No! Because life goes on, and I am not spending another day watching it go by outside my window.
Reframe it, as lillamy says above. It's a perspective shift. And when you are ready for it, you'll make the same choice.