Hi, Somber-
You and I are kindred spirits. I have been married for 14 years with 3 kids ranging in age from 5 to 11. I just found out 3 weeks ago that my husband is addicted to hydrocodone/Vicodin, and has been for over 2 years. This all came to light when he overdosed at my kids school and nearly killed them in the car. I arrived at the ER to be told by the ER doc that he had overdosed on drugs and I was like, "WHAT???????????"
Although I do still love my husband (and he is in rehab currently - for the SECOND time), I have decided to end the marriage and have filed for divorce. While I do support his decision to check himself into rehab (in-patient this time; last time was outpatient), the trust in our marriage has been destroyed (MANY lies), and I just don't know if/when I can get it back. I have told him that 2 YEARS down the road, if he is STILL clean, gainfully employed, etc. and neither of us is involved with anyone else, THEN I would consider possibly DATING him again. I just cannot get past what he has done, and have no desire to sit around "waiting for the other shoe to drop". Also, I have to protect my children in case he "heads south" again.
Like your husband, mine is "saying all the right things", and I do believe that he is sincere in his beliefs, but what I don't know is whether he is even capable of sticking to what he is saying for the long haul. (My husband's overdose occurred THE DAY AFTER he finished his 1st rehab...really????) Of course, I hope for my kids' sake that he will get his life together, but, like you, all I have are questions and doubts. I've been told that we "non-addicts" will never be able to relate to the addict mentality, so I don't think we will EVER get a satisfactory answer to the questions of, "What the he#% were you thinking? How could you choose drugs over your family/job/house, etc.?"
But what I can say is this (which I am sure you have read in others' postings)...you do NOT have a marriage if he is using (as a matter of fact, you don't even know who he IS if he's using), and whether or not he will ultimately have a successful recovery is totally up to him. You and I are left holding the bag and wondering...