I feel for you shell crusher.
It took me a long time to file. I was afraid that if I divorced my exah, he would commit suicide or spiral even futher into his addiction and my son would lose his father forever.
When push came to shove, the main reason I filed was to protect myself legally and financially from my exah's behavior. I was afraid he would kill someone driving while drunk or high or have drugs in our home or car when our son was present. I worried about protective services. I worried about alot of things. But when I finally got to the point where i worried more about MY wellbeing and the wellbeing of our son than I did about what was going to happen to him, I did it.
'
In hindsight, I should have done it alot sooner.
I know filing seems so "final" but you never know what the future holds. Many times, its just a way to protect ourselves legally from the fallout of their behavior.
I know its tough.
Try to put your needs first. It's the only way out of codependent hell.