Thank you barb.
i just got off the phone to alcohol support in my area, you know its bad when the operator asks how you are going and you dont know what to say or do except try to hold back the tears.
when she can go from blissfully in love to being afraid of a stalker to being completely argumentative in 5 minutes.
I'm trying to detach, we had another fight last night where i got called a bad father because i don't do anything around the house before my kids arrive for visitation weekend.
i was doing so well to detach till then, i have spent so many years beating myself up for not being a good father, even tho i am a good father i used always thought that i should be doing more for them.
when she called me a bad father i couldnt detach anymore.
i got accused of doing nothign around the house.
i tried to keep my voice calm and quiet but its not easy.
she made these points about how bad i am.
then the kicker was when i said that i keep the kids away from the door to play quietly while she sleeps in the mornings, and how they shouldnt feel that way because its their home and they should be comfortable.
then it was "how is it their home, they are only here 2 nights a fortnight"
that was when i wouldnt let her put me down so much.
"shouldnt they be comfortable and loved here?"
"shouldnt they feel that this is their home?"
"so if they should feel that way then how is this not their home"
then i stood my ground on not doing anything around the house.
things like i make sure there is food in the house, that dishes are done that i get lunch for work that the washing gets done. that we both have what we need that bills are paid when they are in my control.
i was proud of myself for standing my ground and not letting her push me around.
then silence.
"you're mean" is what she said.
i didnt take the bait i was over it i said what i needed to say and told her im not prolonging the aurgument.
im starting to set limits for myself.
I told her that the alcohol needs to stop.
which of course brought the responce." so the only reason we are fighting is because im drunk" (paraphrase)
no but i know it has a great deal to do with it.
silence.
this needs to stop,
im over being asked the same question 5 times in 10 minutes.
im over her not being able to remember our first kiss but know with absolution word for word what i said (true or not she KNOWS) to suit her.