Hi, everyone! I haven't been here in a while, but used to post back when I was trying to make things work with AXBF. More than a year later and I am left financially, emotionally, psychologically, and physically bankrupt, and in the midst of a breakdown.
Last night, while driving, my XABF was dishing out some verbal abuse and I lost it. I jerked the wheel and hit the brakes until we spun out 3x across 5 lanes of traffic, over a sidewalk and some shrubby, and flipped over 2x before landing upside down. We should have been dead, the car was flattened and 100% totaled! Every cop and medic that showed up marveled at the miracle of our survival. We lied and said I swirved to avoid something in the road... BUT I DIDN'T. I let him provoke me to the point of nearly killing the both of us.
XABF now has someone to blame for everything that is wrong in his life, and thinks simply staying away from people like me will fix his shattered, sad life. He is the king of gaslighting and very manipulative, and I'm actually starting to think it IS me (I mean who jerks the wheel of a car while doing 40mph like that?)... I'm also starting to internalize all of the verbal abuse.
XABF and I did so well together for a while when he was sober. It was never ideal, but he was a good man then. He started drinking as soon as he got out of sober living (his DOC was painkillers, so somehow drinking was OK), and almost all of the old behaviors came back, but worse because alcohol makes him MEAN and abusive.
His life is a MESS, and I am to blame for everything. I am the villain, even after all of his alcoholic/rageaholic abuse and cruelty!
This is why we do them more harm than good
Are we insane here or what?