wow....you remind me of me back in 2005 when I joined this forum. I was desperate to hear stories/get the facts/see what was what.
My ABF (then) finally got sober in July 2005. He had been using crack/cocaine for 20+ years. He moved in with me and my sons (great decision on my part - that's when I got my nomination for mother of the year - ha). One and 1/2 year into his sobriety we married. He had been going to NA and I was going to Naranon. Things were pretty good. I had a lot of fear/concerns but we perserved. One month after we married he stopped going to NA. He tried AA for a year but ultimately it wasn't his gig. I have been living with a dry drunk/addict now for over 4 years and it has been horrible. I've tried everything that I could think of....things never changed. Today, I moved out of our beautiful home. I have cried almost non-stop for 24 hours now. My sons are with there dad and I'm hoping that they will eventually want to go back and live with me. Unfortunately, I exposed them to the chaos and drama of living with my husband and I am now paying the price.
Anyway....I briefly became my husband's "higher power" early on....and that just doesn't work. You have to do recovery from the inside out and not the other way around. We limped through the last few years....lots of his irritability/discontent/self-centeredness (i.e. non recovery of an addict). I moved out today. Lots of struggle/angst but I just couldn't handle it anymore.
He was a different man when he was working a progam. I am convinced that if he had been able to find a way to stick with it that we would still be living together today. So....can it work and are there success stories? Yes....I think so. But only if BOTH people work a strong recovery. The other responses speak of this. Living with a sober addict not in recovery is HELL. I don't recommend that to anyone.
The best thing that I did when I was in your shoes was to work my own recovery (even though my husband did not). Doing that is what allowed me to grow, begin to love and honor myself, and set/keep appropriate boundaries.
I took a chance. I figured that the only way that I had a win/win proposition was to work my own deal. Even if we didn't work out then I still would be a stronger and healthier woman.
I will tell you one thing - my own work was what allowed me to get to the point where I really have not worried about whether my husband was going to stay sober or not. Today was the first time that I have been concerned in the last 4 years - he sounded so down and lost after my movers and I had left. Who knows what he will chose to do now - but at least I do not have a ring side seat.