I'll share my story about my brother and myself and my dear dear mother.
My brother and I had a falling out a several years back. It doesn't matter what it was about now but it put a HUGE wedge between my brother and I. My Mom and Dad felt caught in the middle. How did they handle it?
They invited us both to family gatherings. We each had the choice to go. I would go, he would not.
They made time for each of us individually.
I use to bit*h about brother rather constantly to my dear mother. One day she quietly said "ke, your brother never says a bad word about you. I'm getting tired of hearing you talk negatively about him. I love you both and your constant comments are beginning to make it difficult for me to be around you."
Whew......was THAT a rude awakening! It felt like she SLAPPED me! I was MAD! But her quiet words made me think. I didn't want to damage the relationship with my mother! I stopped talking about him to her. Her words helped me understand that even though he had done some pretty bad things (in my opinion), she was NOT going to take sides or validate what I said in any way. I was perpetuating the problem and creating damage to my other important relationships.
My brother and I reconciled after my dad died in a small aircraft accident. It still makes me sad that it took my dad's death to get us to talk again. But I know that it has brought comfort to our mother. I have forgiven my brother. I have moved forward. But it was my mother laying down her truth that finally got me to stop my bad behavior.
I guess my point is.....you just NEVER know what the future holds and ultimately, the issues belong to your adult children. Remove yourself from the middle. It's not healthy for them. It's not healthy for you.
gentle hugs
ke