JMFburns

My RAS is 30, my daughter is 27. Daughter and I lived in an apt. together during the worst years of my sons addiction. She experienced first hand my addiction to him, my codependency, my enabling. At some point she said let's get an unlisted phone number and brother is NOT allowed in our apt. A year or so previous, she was home (previous family home that we all lived at) during a drug raid at our house (due to brother,) had gun pointed at her and was screamed at by police, her brother was at work that day . . . didn't get to experience it.

I respected her boundaries, but continued in my enabling behind her back for quite some time. Things have gotten better, I attend NarAnon and AlAnon.

Daughter met a guy and has moved in with him.

Son went into recovery, lived in a recovery house for 6 months and now lives in a room in one of the sober houses. He still has a couple warrants for minor crimes and does not work.

My family or origin has spent time w/my son lately. Family gatherings, outings, just spending time together. He has had a chance to talk to some of them, they are accepting him for who he is today. They may not agree with his "life" but are willing to to spend time with him.

My daughter has refused to have anything to do with her brother. He has sent her two cards (1 birthday & 1 congrats for graduating nursing school). He has written small notes in each expressing apology for what he's done. Daughter is ANGRY that I threw thousands of dollars away by giving it to him . . . she is angry that I don't have any to give to her now that she is struggling to find a job and has student loans to pay. She claims she will not have anything to do with him until he is living a "normal" life, apologizes to her, acts like a decent human being, isn't living in a sober house, takes care of himself, etc., etc., etc.

I've respected her wishes by not having son at any family gatherings that she will attend - most holidays, etc. I told her last Thanksgiving that next year he would be invited - she was not happy.

My family would like to go to cemetary on Sunday to visit my Dad's grave. I know son would like to go, I know daughter would like to go. I mentioned it to daughter and (of course) she is mad that son would get invited and won't come if brother is there. She is mad that "family" does more things w/him than with her.

Yeah, as I'm typing they sound like 5 years olds . . . anyway . . . and wise words of wisdom??? I know she has a right to her boundaries and expectations. But does that mean I have to continue to figure out 2 ways to acknowledge holidays or get together with family? Yeah, my son isn't living a "normal" life, but I see slow progress. Is it the progress I want, no. Is it the way I think he should do it, no. But it is his life to live, not mine . . . or hers.

This is of course only the mini-version of our life and brother/sister struggles . . . Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Joan