Happy memories are difficult for me too, sometimes it seems there's so much good, and it leaves me hunting for what went wrong and how it all went bad.
Then I remember all the things that happened around that good memory, all the things that I'd been trying to forgot, and how I clung to even earlier "happy memories" during those memories, longing for things to just go back to the way they were, and I realize that I'd been falling off that cliff for a lot longer than I'll admit to myself.
And then I realize that I can enjoy or be miserable as I decide. I can concoct happy memories out of things that I
remember weren't happy at the time, and so why can't I take a situation that right now feels depressing and decide that I will make the best of it and enjoy it for all it's worth.
I don't remember exactly what I did for New Year's Eve this time around. XABF and I were always going places (he was VERY picky about what to do New Year's Eve, he didn't want to go anywhere that served free all-you-can-drink alcohol, of all things, because he didn't want to pay the inflated prices), and this year I remember I stayed home and didn't go out at all. I don't think I stayed up until midnight, either.
I do remember it was so liberating, just not doing anything, no fanfare, no expensive dinners we couldn't afford, just staying home, curled up on the sofa, watching something on television. (I don't even remember what it was - I think some mystery series DVD, maybe Hart to Hart?) And I drank milk like there was no tomorrow, because with XABF it was never in the house because he couldn't drink it (so I wasn't allowed, even though he always made sure his mother bought it for me when I stayed there).
Best New Year's ever.
I think some of my memories with XABF will always hurt. Over time, though, I've come to accept that these lovely memories I have... They're reminders of things he was capable of, reminders of a man who doesn't exist anymore, and sometimes reminders of how desperate I became to whitewash everything to convince myself I was happy.
Now it's time to make myself some new memories.