Thread: Sad
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Old 05-24-2011, 07:53 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
lillamy
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I woke up in the middle of the night in the arms of my new man.

And I remembered something AXH said, 100 years ago, when we were newlyweds and expecting our first child. He said, "I'm so going to miss it if you ever stop being snuggly and cuddly." I said, "That is never going to happen."

The memory stabbed me like a knife. And I asked myself, "What happened to us?" And then I remembered that that moment? That moment was just a snapshot. When that happened, he had already put me (and our yet-to-be-born child) in danger by picking a fight with the seedy characters downstairs. He had already forced me (by guilt and emotional blackmail) to sign a false affidavit for him. I had to remember that the alcoholic was there already -- there was just less of him and more of the real person I fell in love with.

I wish I could really see alcoholism as a disease that someone gets by no fault of their own, sort of like MS or a brain tumor. Because then I could grieve. Grieving while placing blame doesn't work. And I do blame him. For not getting help, for not trying harder, for not even thinking his children was reason enough.

Didn't mean to hijack your thread but I guess I'm kind of sad, too. Even if I have moved on with my life and wouldn't go back. Yeah.
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