He just wants you where he wants you, meaning he wants you to feel guity for hurting him, so you'd go out of your way to make him feel good, not think about what makes you feel good and than he can do whatever he wants to do, and you'd still be there whenever he needs you, as you need him to know you dind't mean to hurt him, you want him to know you love him. So he has you busy proving your love and he doesn't have to do a thing to prove his to you, and you're so preocupied thinking about what he needs that you don't even think about asking for what you need.
All of it is manipulation IMHO. Healthy relationships don't work that way. Sometimes I need to go out of my way to prove my son that I love him, to make him feel safe, but my son is 7. Grown man acting in a way: You dind't tell me you love me, and blah, blah, blah, I mean come on, what is going on there?
I don't mean to be harsh at all, I'm just saying how I see it, and it took me years to figure this one out.
As, same as you, it never used to cross my mind that someone might not be honest. Guess what? Most people aren't. A's especially. Why? Because being honest would mean they would have to take responsibility for their actions. And they don't want to do that, because if they did they wouldn't have the addiction problem in the first place.
I personally believe alcoholism is always a symptom of some psycological issues person is unable to deal with, and until those issues are solved there is no much hope for person to become responsibile and honest.
A's manipulate not because they mean ill, but because that is the way the learned it works for them to get what they want. They simpy can not do better, they don't know how.
I don't know anything about your personal situation or about your A, I'm just stating things in general, that I found to be true in my life and in lives of many other people who are dealing with their A's.
The only advice i can give you at this time (if you're asking for one) is: Is make sure you don't mistake A problems for relationship problems (that is the another one that had me stuck for years), once you separate the two things become much more easier to understand.
I hope this answers your question.
HUGS