Hey wttbh,
this is not a lecture, but you might think about WHY you sought out his converation or didn't hang up when he turned abusive:
I just saw myself in your lines. Even though I knew not to engage (touching a hot stove), I did it over an over for several reasons, despite the hurt it caused me:
1. I wanted to see SOME emotional reaction from him. If I could make him mad, it showed me that he was still engaged with me on some level.
2. I wanted to MAKE HIM SEE what he was doing to us (convince him that I and the kids were worth more than he thought.)
3. Have an arena for my own venting and accusations and anger. (almost a form of entertainment for me).
4. If we were fighting, it proved to me that I was real. I existed. I was not invisible.
If you can consider why you might be engaging him in battle, then maybe you can identify the stimulus in you that causes you to do it:
lonely?
feel insignificant?
feel shadowy (I struggle with this)?
is uncertainty about your future causing you to reach out for whatever you can grasp?
Obviously you are scared about what the future holds without him for you and your girls, and you should expect the uncertainty, but I can promise you ONE THING: It doesn't have to hold abuse.
That is just something I have learned in the two years since I stepped away from the hot stove. I was exactly like you. Except with more kids.
I had to get to the point where having NO ONE to talk to, NO CERTAINTY AT ALL, NO SECURITY was better than enduring one more minute of blame and accusation. And I finally did.
You are doing great.
