Been proceeding along with the breakup from xabf, but it's been very rough for me. Came back home in January for a short period to live with my mom in between moving from the West coast to the East coast and have been having really difficult times with her. Never really got along with my mom from childhood but the fights have been VERY VERY BAD since this is the first time I am living with her as an adult. She's not an A (she doesn't drink by religion) but if she did drink I'm sure she would be one; definitely has all the traits to classify her as one to give you an idea of what it's like. Since I've moved back home I don't have too many friends left out here anymore, save except for one or two; so not a great support system. Always relied very heavily on the xabf to help me and get me through my issues, especially with my mom (READ: learn to take her bulls*** and how to stay sane). Have always had issues with abandonment and loneliness with my mom and others, but now without the xabf it is REALLY bad to the point it is unbearable. He is someone I grew up with, and the most serious relationship I've been in, and the sole person who understood everything I had been through in my life. The sense of betrayal is only made worse by him trying to mask his pain (just like any other A would) from the split by doing as many things he can as possible and hanging constantly around with another girl (who he may or may not be with). I was trying to go NC but I've been so bad lately I have been scared for myself. I was so desperate emotionally that I had to talk to him. And here I go with the calling and texting again and validating in his mind that he was right and all he does is just get more angry and have more of an attitude with me as a result. I keep saying that I don't want to be with him again, I just want to talk and try to resolve and become friends again. We are supposed to talk later today so hopefully we can get somewhere. I don't know what to do. I feel very lost and confused and scared and all alone. And now I have guilt and feel weak for contacting him. Going to Al-Anon was so enlightening and I felt so good for a while and want to go back, but Wednesday seems so far away again. I haven't been able to eat or think or sleep and I just feel like a shell of my former self right now. Help
