I am a lot calmer today... Still hurt, stinging, hearing the words play over but I also know that I let the conversation continue. I needed to hang up and didn't and that was all me.
To answer the question many asked (albeit rhetorically) about whether I know it's not my fault he's behaving this way... No, I don't know that. Intellectually yes. Emotionally, after a night of his using every last insult I ever shared with him that hurt me the most from my BPD Mother-- no, I am having a hard time not believing, as I have for most of my life, that if I did or didn't do something differently, this wouldn't have happened.
I know it's irrational and a feeling and not fact. But I feel it and continue to work on dealing with changing how I think of myself.
I appreciate everyone's words-- I need to remind myself of all that you all wrote and am not feeling strong and wonderful today and will be reading this over, reminding myself of reality and seeing my sponsor after work. Hoping the combination of all 3 will get me centered again...