I too have been in a many of those conversations and hours of crying in the shower following them. My AH moved out and only lasted four months on his own before realizing he "did" have a drinking problem that wasnt my fault.
Now a struggling RAH back in my home, he doesnt remember those arguments he said in the joys of drinking and I do remember everyone of them while enduring it all sober. Thats what i regret the most. "Listening" and believing all those "wild" claims... He brushes them off with a "im sorry, its the disease".. but i live with them haunting me..
Now i don't engage and i don't internalize what he says and how GREAT that is now!! I wish i had done it years, years earlier.
Using what an alcoholic says to validate your character is like going to the gas station clerk and asking them to preform heart surgery...