reading this just made me cringe--i know the place you're in very very well. unfortunately, you will step out of this cycle when you've hit YOUR bottom.
whenever that comes--honestly--the only way to really get over the BIG initial hump is to have no contact... and even then it's going to be HELL. sometimes, we get addicted to just having them REACT to us. addiction IS very strong and you're brain will come up with every excuse imaginable to contact.
Good luck and keep posting--many of us are with you on this same journey