He made the choice
My ABF,-who was a no-program-do-it-on-his-own RABF since 01/04/2011, is now officially ABF, possible XABF at this point.
Update on story: Thanksgiving last year, he bailed on me and child, too drunk and depressed to handle 'family' for the holidays. He spent time at his parents, locked in his room and drinking. During Christmas, he stayed at our house while child and I were out of town for two weeks. He spent the entire time drinking by himself. He was incapable of appearing at friends' or family's get togethers at that time.
Finally, on 01/04/2011, he quit. I sat with him for 5 days at his parents while he went through some scary DTs.
While he was sober, he talked about how hard it was to be sober. He refused medical evaluation and meetings. He said he was determined. He said life was not better now that he was sober. He stayed at our house with us for two weeks in February before a friend of mine came to stay with us so she could relocate to my state from California.
He came to visit quite often but would get frustrated that there were people in 'his house'. He stomped around angrily. A lot.
I was hospitalized for a few days at the end of April for hypertensive crisis. He came to visit me in ICU once. For an hour. That was too much for him to handle. He was helpful in getting my child to/from school, though.
My friend moved out last weekend. He came back, presumably to stay. We had talked about a better future when he came back, sober. He was here one day, and I noticed he was stalking around like a caged animal. I didn't feel we were a couple. I felt that he had emotionally shut me out completely. He slept on the sofa.
I asked him about it.
He admitted he had started drinking again. His parents found his bottles and had asked him to leave. He had no where to go. I told him he couldn't do that here, either. He rationalized that he could drink in moderation with no problems. He said it was my problem that it was a problem and not his problem. He wanted to be able to drink and for me to accept it. I couldn't. I told him it scared me to travel that same road with him. He told me I have serious problems.
He left that night, but he called very early morning hours begging me to come get him. He was parked in front of his parents' house and was sleeping in his car. I told him to stay there, that I could not come get him. I had a final to complete that next morning, plus I had my child here in bed asleep.
The next day, he emailed me that he'd talked to his parents who had agreed to allow him to rent a property they own. He said, "sober or not, I'm not coming back this time."
I wrote back wishing him the very best, let him know that I still love him, of course, and that I'd help him pack his things to have ready for him to move.
That was 5 days ago.
I feel lost and weird and empty, but peaceful.
I know this is the right thing, and I know this is best for my child and me. In my head, I know this is right. In my heart, I'm still struggling.
I have finished this semester with surprisingly terrific grades, and my future looks bright. My finances are too tight for me to even look at with an objective eye, but I have faith they will work out, too.
I am reaching out today because I think I need that extra push to do 'normal' things with my day.
Thank you.