HI Mimic,
Another post from another survivor here, one who just left their ABF of three years. I called it quits after finally being ready to do it after many, many, many times going back to him, thinking each time that this is the "time" that he gets it. Sadly, a good majority never do, in spite of our best efforts, words, actions, intentions, begging, pleading, whatever. Until they are ready, it won't happen.
Your A sounds a lot like mine-isolating himself from all who love him - my EXABF has burned all of his bridges with everyone in his family from sisters to kids and now, me. The irony is-I moved across the country to be with him and here I am with people who I can go to for support and ESH, while he has to resort to finding friends, companionship and love on-line.
Like Sandra, tuffgirl, kitty and others, I kept going back, thinking that each time would be the time he got it. He never did and around six weeks ago after yet another relapse, I knew it was time. I knew deep in my heart that as much as I loved him (and still do), that it was time to let go and let God.
The closure part is not easy and as long as they are still in your life whether through friends or family, they will always be there in your mind. You'll always wonder if this is the time they get it. As much as you want to jump in, try and talk to him, tell him he needs help, they cycle will never end. My ex has been through three rehabs, countless group therapies, individual therapies, stop-drinking medications medications such as naltrexone and Baclofen, anti-depressants and AA. Nothing worked because he wasn't (and still isn't) ready. Each and every time that I wanted to make a change in my life - a change where I would be out of his sphere of control was when he would relapse and make my life miserable.
Whether it was me returning to school, work, going to Al-Anon, a visit from my mother back east, me bonding with his sisters-all of those events triggered him and each and every time, I went back, thinking that things would change, letting him know that I would not abandon him. (He's ACOA) What I ended up abandoning was me, all in the name of love, all in the hopes that he would "get it" this time.
At my Al-Anon meeting today, the topic was "Grief." For me, this topic was just what I needed to hear, as I finally pinned down what was bothering me for the past while and yes, it's a grieving process we are all going through. When I did the reading today at my meeting, I could barely get through it because of the overwhelming feeling of loss I was feeling - crying, remembering, thinking and grieving. Grieving for for the loss of the relationship, of what could have been, of what could be and it's a process we are all going through. What struck me today in the sharing was how not just we who are fresh out of a relationship are grieving; one member talked of how her marriage to an A ended 30+ years ago and how hearing a certain song from all of those years ago could trigger her grief all over again.
With grief, with letting go, comes acceptance - acceptance that we are powerless over others and the decisions they make in their lives. My head is at that stage, but my heart is struggling with the acceptance of this. What is helping me cope is Al-Anon, Al-Anon friends, literature and coming here to SR. I've returned to school and am making friends there-HAH! I got hit on by a man in my class-even though nothing will happen there, that was a confidence booster to me. I volunteer at a local used bookstore and because I am a book lover extrordinairre, I feel like I have died and gone to heaven when I walk in there. I have a mom who loves me and supports me and a dog who is my best friend, who I love more than anything and he loves me back unconditionally. My Al-Anon friends here where I live and cyber-friends here on SR gave me the tools to make the decision to finally walk away. It wasn't an easy decision, in fact, it was harder to walk away from him than it was to end my marriage to a non-A.
Posts like this help me with closure and acceptance. It's a process, one that does not happen overnight, sometimes, ever.
It's One Day at a Time for all of us.
Big hugs coming from me (and puppy dog) to you-know you're not alone as you go through this.
