Hi Mimic, hugs to you during this hard time right now. I have been where you are, and would like to share my experience with you. twyl<r.
I recently separated from an A. I do know how hard it was for me at first to move past it, and let it go, let
him go. I had tried to separate from him numerous times before, and none of them worked, because I didn't go 100% no contact. It was how I got sucked back in every time.
Here is my definition of no contact for me: First of all, I don't initiate any communication with him. When I left there were a couple of emails, (very short, to the point) but once I was sure I didn't leave anything behind, and the bills were squared away, I stopped immediately. I don't read his emails, texts, or listen to his voicemails, because they will all trigger me to get involved again. I had the same conversation over and over and over with him when I was hurt or angry, about the reasons I would eventually leave, or my boundaries, and when I DID leave, he insisted he had no idea why. I don't want to get dragged into another dead end conversation. Even though I KNOW I have no intention of responding, I still don't read them. This also includes no facebook, date sites, nothing in the way of "checking up on him to see if he's okay". I did this constantly the first two times... if he was fine, it would hurt me. If he was not, it would hurt me. Either way it's none of my business anymore. Why rent out headspace to someone that is toxic to me, my health, and happiness.
Most important, and sometimes the hardest, is to cut/restrict contact with mutual friends, and leave him out of conversations. Just talking about him, or hearing others talk about him, triggers my emotions as well. Enablers will always do their best to keep the merry go round of alcoholism turning, and by repeatedly informing you of what he is or isn't doing, they are trying to suck you back into a situation that you (i think?) have already left because you were miserable. Sometimes enablers can be just as toxic as the A is. From an outsider's point of view, they don't sound like very good friends, to him or you.
Calling a mother and telling her that her son has problems usually doesn't go over very well either. It's his decision who he wants to disclose details of his life to. Unless he is in serious immediate danger (holding a gun to his or your head) I would warn against involving his family. And even if that's the scenario, call the police instead. They know what to do. I give my ex the dignity to live his life as he pleases, just as I want others to give me. I make decisions for no one. If it is further from my face than the tip of my nose, it's none of my business.
I will say this from experience, the longer I stayed involved in his life, the harder it was for me to move on with mine. The first two times I ended things with him, I found myself pre-occupied all the time with what he was and wasn't doing, had he changed, did my message finally get through, was he "ok". Meanwhile, even though I was physically out of the relationship, my head was in it deeper than before, and it was making me even crazier because I never saw or talked to him... I "didn't know for sure" what was going on. The curiosity almost killed me. Third time was a charm, and I haven't looked back.
There's no time frame, some of us stay longer in these relationships, or leave earlier... when I was ready to do it right, I did it, and it was easier than I thought it would be. I failed the first two times though. Not saying you are 'failing', but I was, and I obviously had to go through more frustration before I was ready to finally move on. I had to hit
my bottom with
him. I am grateful for my mistakes, because without them I wouldn't have learned my lesson.
Alanon did wonders for me, and gave me the courage to leave this last time, and finally do it right. It was the best decision that I ever made, because I finally put myself and my happiness first. I owe myself that, because no one else will ever do it for me.
I hope at the very least this novel I wrote helps you feel less alone. Thanks for letting me share.
More hugs
