Thank you all. Your posts, viewpoints, experience are always SO helpful. I suppose I know a lot of this, but I need to hear it sometimes. I think I also desperately wanted to hear from him that he accepts responsiblity for his behavior and that because he's always high in some form or another, he's caused this wedge. It was a relief to hear that yesterday, but I know it won't change a thing. I'm sure my thoughts are very selfish, but I'm tired of being blamed and told that because I don't want to see him when he's out of it, I'm the bad guy. I get he's hurting, doesn't want to hurt more and from what he says, the pot takes away the anxiety more than any of his other meds. I don't know if it causes more anxiety when he's not actively high though. I've struggled with anxiety and I personally couldn't drink any alcohol because my panic attacks were out of control when I was even just a little bit buzzed.
It's funny, he was never a saint, by any means. We brougt him into our lives to try and help, to give him a healthy nuclear family to be around and hopefully he would begin to work at making better choices. Well, I now see the many mistakes I made, but he did strive to be better when he was with us and was doing really well for awhile. But...it was never enough. His demons got the best of him and now that he's on his own, surrounding himself with people that support his addictions, leach off of him and his new free-flowing money, he is off and running.
Yesterday he was going to go play golf and at the end of our conversation said "Pray for me that I shoot under 40". He was raised in an Irish Catholic family and feels very let down by God. I replied that I would pray for his health, safety and that he "makes it to 50 and can stay out of prison". Feel like banging my head against the wall, again.