Thank you all , so much, really, you are an awesome bunch of people. It feels so good to have your support. I was so afraid to post, since I had not acted on what so many have kindly taken the time to share with me. I felt like a failure.
But your kind encouragement has brought a lump to my throat. Thank you for being here.
I read and reread all of your wonderful posts. I focused to find the common thing that may be a key. I came up with this - He does not know what is possible or what he is capable of . I am keeping him from learning to be able to depend on his self. That makes me just sick. What a gift it is, when we know how to find our way. and when we can count on our own strength to get us by.
That is no small thing. It is everything.
Heaven forgive me, for taking that away from him. It surely was not intentional, as my fears seem to keep me prisoner.
Sometimes I day dream, and I do it intentionally lately, that he is on his own, and struggles, but makes some progress and feels so good about it. And I have my little home back, can put up my oil painting again, in the spare bedroom. I can do my arobics again, without worrying about anyone seeing. And I can sit out on my little porch at night, and think about my son, who is beginning to become one with the world, instead of hiding from it. i keep thinking of the possiblities, to keep focused on doing this for his and my benefit.
I feel so very dysfunctional lately, and our relationship has deteriorated so very much. I am sure we are both getting sicker. We are at each others throats much of the time, and that is so wrong, it hurts so much.
your posts give me hope. you are all special.
hugs
chicory