Hi Chicory,
I was reading and a thought occurred to me so I will share... my son went through a difficult period also... I sat him down and talked... he had little to say except that he wanted things to get better...
I had many talks about what he was going to do... the steps it takes to get there... and suggested time lines... all of which he was agreeable to...
When I discovered he lied to me... he apologized and agreed to counseling. Nothing changed. We talked again and my gut said "he is comfortable here with me and therefore has no motivation to change". So I gave myself time to consider what I was about to do.
My son is a good kid basically - but I recognized as much as I wanted to support him - he was too comfortable to take responsibility on his own - so I made arrangements for him to live with someone else. Talked it over with everyone. Moving day came, someone else making all the arrangements and he is not packed! We all chipped in and packed him up - it took all day but we did that. He did not unpack at this new place for a long time. We did not communicate much.
But I had decided that he needed to figure out how to live on his own. And he did! That was two years ago - today he works two jobs -makes a nice living on his own terms -and he is happy at what he is doing. He is helping me out now when needed.
The point is this... I listened to my gut - I grieved the separation and I felt the guilt... and then he did what was needed! I wondered what would have happened if I did not listen to my gut? You give them what they need to grow up and survive... they either do it or not... but they can't begin to know what is possible if we keep doing it for them. If my son had not been able to make it I was prepared to see that and then take him back. I did tell him that I would be there for him and he never asked for a thing. Our situations are different no doubt but what I wanted to share is that we don't really know what they can do if we don't let go... I did a lot and saw no results until I let go. He could've sank as much as he succeeded and I just prepared myself to cope either way.
IDK if this helps, but appreciate your ability to be honest and to ask for help. We all do what we can, in our own time, and we have choices to follow or consequences to allow. Whatever we choose, it can be ok if we trust our HP and if we slip, it will still work out - it just might take longer. You can make mistakes and still be ok.
Hugs to you.