wanttobehealthy

I saw this on another thread and it really got me thinking... I used to be proud of who I was, I had opinions, I was fiery and feisty and had passions... and along the way I've lost sight of who I am, what I believe, what excites me etc...

I was just talking to my T about this very thing yesterday. Saying that I've stifled what I think and feel about pretty much everything for so long (by choice-- no one to blame but me) bc it was easier than the raging that would come.

I even remember when I decided to just keep my opinions to myself. Crazy huh? D5 was 4 months old. The Kerry/Bush election night. We'd gone to vote and AH demanded to know who I voted for. I told him (Kerry) which he had to have known since when we met we'd jokingly banter about my being a bleeding heart liberal and him, well, not so much. He told me I was drinking the kool aid the democrats were handing out and for someone with supposed book smarts, I had no real life smarts. I can picture where I was standing in our old apt and I decided right then and there that I was done expressing my opinion.

So, I was talking to my T and saying that one of the things I want to focus on and am focussing on is figuring out who I am. I feel like the me I was when AH and I met is a stranger. And some of that is normal-- life changes, priorities change... But for ex I used to volunteer a lot and haven't done it in years. I used to go to church and haven't in a long time bc I don't want to hear how f'ed up the catholic church is.

What's exciting to me right now (and a little scary) is this: Instead of feeling sad (which I have for a long time) about having lost sight of who I am and what I think, I feel I am getting a second chance to figure this out. I feel like I have the world at my feet and I really can decide what direction to go in, what I want, what matters to me and I'm going to pursue things that make me happy, that I am passionate about and all that's stopping me right now is the simple fact that I am not completely sure what those things are... I need to figure it out...

Some of the ideas I've thought of:
- starting an out of my house business; I sew for my girls and get asked if I would sell some of the dresses I've made-- I have made and sold a few locally at a children's clothing store and would LOVE to do this full time

- doing some sort of party planning/cake decorating thing. I love doing this for family parties, friends parties, work events, girls bdays and have no real experience but have gotten pretty good and am fairly artistic so I think I could do something with this

- trying to expand my photography and make a living out of it-- not sure how, but I photographed a friends' wedding a few yrs ago and am not bad and take pics of my kids all the time so I've thought of trying to combine my clothing designing and kids photography into something...

These are just the things I've been thinking about... Even if I stay in teaching, it feels nice to dream and feel like that's okay.

I just sent money into the Jesuit Volunteer Corps (who I volunteered with after college) and got info about the local former volunteer gathering in Boston which is something I have not done in years (the whole evil Catholicism thing from AH so I just stopped involving myself).

Thanks for letting me ramble...

Anyone else feel like they are figuring out who they are and what they love and want to share?