((Sweetteewalls))
I was with XAH for 18 years. He was also verbally and emotionally abusive. I got out. It wasn't easy - but nothing worthwhile really is. You don't have to do it all at once. Just keep taking one small step at a time. And, this is the most important bit, stop being so hard on yourself. You deserve better. Stop being so mean to yourself. Be kind to yourself. This is hard to do, I know.
Can you get to a counsellor? Someone to talk things through with?
Have you been to see a doctor? You sound really depressed - you sound just like I did before the meds and counselling!
Please don't stop posting. We've all been where you are now - no-one here is perfect! You don't have to be ashamed.:ghug3