Originally Posted by
Florence 
My confusion and defensiveness -- and I apologize for getting snippy -- is because the "he's a loser! worthless!" advice doesn't apply, and because the codependency literature doesn't speak to me. There's a lot of What Not To Do advice out there, but not a lot of guidelines on what *to* do, and I find that incredibly frustrating.
I notice a lot of times what is said here is misinterpreted. And I understand why. I started a thread about this a couple weeks ago regarding seeing things through our own filters.
When someone asks "do you consider drinking and draining the bank account
trying?" You interpret that to mean he's a loser. Maybe, maybe not, but the point is--is this the kind of behavior that's acceptable to you in a partner? If so, then carry on.
As far as codependent literature saying what not to do, but failing to specify what
to do, I again see this as interpretation. Most of the literature I've read says step back from the addict, stay on your own side of the street, listen to the actions rather than the words, put down the magnifying glass and pick up the mirror, etc. These are all things YOU can do, but if your looking for suggestions of what to do FOR HIM, you will probably be disappointed.
L