Thank you everyone-- I need to just accept that even if it means waking the girls and leaving with them that's what I need to do bc last night sucked a lot of life out of me and I can not function at work or with the girls in this state....
He went to a meeting and then came back and was talking quietly/calmly so like a moron I agreed to sit and listen to what he had to say... Magical thinking I guess on my part-- thinking maybe his antics earlier were a momentary lapse and he really isn't an much of a jerk as he acted like.
So, I got told
1. It's "his" issue and he can't expect me to change myself but he needs calm and peace and I give him neither
2. He just can't deal with my antics anymore
I told him I was sorry I made him so unhappy (just to peacefully end the conversation) and said that if we were in agreement about the divorce that would make it a lot easier and that it sounded to me that we were.
Of course that resulted in "well, I don't know what I want-- I love you but I just need you to do x, y, z differently".
I told him I wasn't going to apologize for the things that matter to me (honesty, trust etc) and that perhaps I was too black and white in my thinking about these things but that that's what it was and that the best thing for us is to get divorced since we want different things. I said I was sorry I wasn't giving him the peace he wanted and said that we should spend our energy trying to be good co parents instead of partners.
I think he expected me to beg him to stay or something bc he started crying and waffling about what he wants-- he basically wants the marriage we have had for years. Where he does what he wants, I beg and plead and scream and cry and ask him to change and believe his promises and then the cycle starts all over. He doesn't get and I'm done trying to teach him that his finding peace is all within him and has nothing to do with external stuff.
He wants me to stay and wants to have me around to be the source of his misery when it's convenient and a saint when that's convenient. He wants to pretend he is a good Dad when he spends almost no time with the girls but can keep up the facade of a good parent since I am around to do the real parenting work and he can swoop in to be fun dad for an hour here and there...
I want Thurs to be here now and as soon as it's done I am going to do all I can to fast track this divorce. I want him out of the house and my life except for the minimal interactions we need to have over the girls.
I'm exhausted and drained in every imaginable way and just fed up this morning. Its been a long time since fiascos like last night have occurred and I can barely function. I don't know how I've lived with these kind of go arounds for the past 10 yrs... Ugh. I think I'm sicker than he is to have stayed and kept going around this merry go round for so long. Insane.