Boy can I relate to that!
XABF used to give me lists of things he wanted me to do - call this number, book this hotel, do this, do that - and would get mad at me at the end of the day because I forgot to do them. I'd write them down and I still wouldn't do them. I couldn't remember to brush my teeth in the morning half the time! And that's part of my daily, regular routine.
I still forget things, but not as often as I used to. I'd say I'm a lot closer to normal now, although I still have a little ways to go yet.
I was so withdrawn, and completely depressed. I stopped talking to people, stopped reaching out to anyone, at first because I was so depressed it seemed like it didn't matter anyway, and then because I didn't even thing of it anymore, it just wasn't something I did at that point. When I was out with XABF with his family, I wouldn't talk to anyone, part of it because I didn't want to, I wanted to withdraw - although of course the other part was because whenever I spoke he told me that I took too long to get out my thoughts, and that nobody cared what I had to say, anyway.
Don't even get me started on negative thinking. I never want to go back to those dark places again.
While I did figure those feelings and reactions were fairly normal in an abusive relationship, it's reassuring to know that the degree I felt them is understandable, and that the fact it took me so long to pull myself out of it does not mean there was something wrong with me.
This post comes with great timing. Thank you so much, blueblooms.
I was doing an exercise today, writing down the things he did for me that made me feel loved, and I couldn't think of a single thing he'd done in the last six months that made me feel like I was appreciated. Not a single thing. And yet I stayed anyway, and I've been trying to figure out why in the world would I stay in a relationship where I felt worthless fairly consistently for the last six months.
It's good to have an answer, and better to know that it's not a fault with my thinking so much as an actual change in my brain and thinking process.
Now, to go finish fixing that change, so I can be back to my usual, happy, cheerful, friendly, self-sufficient and self-caring self.
