Codependent No More, or...?
After last night's fiasco: AH dropped flowers on the front porch, called to tell me how terrible it is being homeless and unemployed, and later, called back with actual apologies. I stood firm, telling him that I was unwilling to let him back in the house without a plan to a) stay sober or b) get employment. I know it's like asking a blind man to see, but them's the breaks. I love him and would be willing to put up with a reasonable amount of imbalance* if he weren't still sabotaging his own progress whenever things get hard, but some things are dealbreakers. Drinking is one of them.
[* I do believe that A is a disease and that people deserve 2nd and 3rd chances. I'm willing to put up with some of the fallout of the disease for people whom I love, spouse, parent, and child. I'm coming at this from the perspective of someone with non-A mental illness in my family that has caused similar chronic problems.]
So I picked up my old copy of "Codependent No More" and have been reading it today, looking for wisdom. I'm coming away with some good lessons, but I keep getting caught on the definitions of codependency and how or whether they apply to me and my situation. Beattie defines a codependent as a person who has let another person's behavior define her life, and is obsessed with changing the behavior of that person. By that definition, I don't think the label applies. Yes, his behavior has affected me negatively, but I'm consciously trying to avoid obsessive, controlling behavior.
(And as I'm writing this, it's occurring to me to question why I'm preoccupied with taking or not taking on a label instead of just taking the advice. Hm. Food for thought, Flo!)
I feel like what I need is a set of guidelines for how to deal with this. Other than AH, I have no up-close experience with alcoholism. I have none in my family, and am not an A myself. But I'm having a hard time figuring out where Reasonable, Supportive Spouse ends and Beleaguered, Victimized Codependent Spouse begins. Any thoughts on this? What's reasonable?