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Old 05-07-2011, 11:58 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
tryingtoparent
Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 19
SoCalPauly, Hi I am new to this website but not new to the problem. I'll give you my two cents for what it is worth. My ex drank when we dated. He was ten years older than me, a lawyer and I was stupid. We married and this is what happened. While I drank also when we dated, I guess my excuse was I was in my 20's and still being dumb. When we had kids (he was 40 I was 30) I stopped and he just drank more. I discovered that besides the 8 beers at home at night he already had had 4 at work. His drinking was almost daily but he split it up in different places. He didn't come home one night. I had 4 kids under the age of 5 and I was frantic. I located him, asleep at his office but it wasn't until years later I was told he'd left the bar with some woman and they went to his office and you can assume the rest. A few years more and we were having arguments over the drinking, his irresponsibility, his lack of attention to me, lack of ambition etc. I tried for a year to fix things. He got worse. A man I never would dream would get violent didn't like me harping on him. He'd go out with his buddies and he'd come home and pick a fight with me at 2AM. Being a lawyer he was careful never to hit, instead he screamed, cursed and cornered me to yell in my face. He flat out told me I drank when we dated I still drink and I am not going to stop for you. The third time he got violent I filed for divorce.
He became a judge. We then spent years in litigation for custody, he winning (long story but no judge is not going to give another judge custody) then me getting them back when I didn't let up on the fight for 2 years. During those years our daughter started drinking. He did nothing. In fact he provided alcohol and looked away. She'd done drugs when living with him and I don't think I have to tell you what drinking leads to. She engaged in all kinds of destructive behavior. I talked to her as best I could but its tough to parent someone on weekends only especially when her dad had put her on auto pilot. I kept up the legal fight but she was a junior in high school by the time she lived with me again. Result: She's in college and received her first DUI a few years ago, he hired her a lawyer and then even made her appeal her conviction. I cut her off from all support. (he does not support her at all but he did replace her car when I took mine away from her) Recently she received a second DUI. He now has allowed her to drive on a revoked license and I am fighting an uphill battle getting her to listen to me. (I am winning now though) My sons who were younger when they all came back to me have never had any troubles. Well, no legal troubles but they bemoan the fact that their dad never played with them, (hes grossly overweight and has health problems now) rarely has a heart to heart with them and has embarrassed them when drunk. Point here: An alcoholic will ruin not just your marriage and possibly you but he will also ruin any children you bring into the world. How I wish I had not made him the father of my children. And yes, I found a great guy who worships me , helped me with the kids, my children adore him and he basically is a good man. HE had an alcoholic father and instead of repeating his fathers mistakes he learned from them and yes he does drink on occasion (a glass of wine over the weekend) but he is responsible and aware of his drinking. I have never had to go looking for him, beg him to spend time with me or mistrusted him. He has been a wonderful husband and step dad. You don't have to go this route. But if not for yourself please think about making your BF the father of your kids....might be the worst mistake you'll ever regret.
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