hi florence-
i'm going to try to talk from my own experience here. when i was living with my xABF, i often times felt resentful because he had put us in a situation where i was always trying to put a fire out, trying to keep the electricity on, the car maintained, meals, laundry.
xABF did very little to nothing. i recall going on trips and coming home to the place a mess. it would take me about 3 days to scrub the whole house and get on top of HIS laundry.
as the resentment grew, i began to keep a daily journal. i wrote down things like what chores i had done and what he had done, what food i had bought and what food he bought.
it was eye-opening. it went something like this:
naive: did the laundry, made breakfast, cleaned the kitchen floor, called for A's insurance, went grocery shopping, tended the garden, submitted A's timesheet. bought milk, bread, oranges, laundry detergent, two lightbulbs, eggs, soap, quiche, etc.
xABF: came home with a pint of milk. made £150. gave me none.
after a few weeks of recording such details, it became painfully clear that he was contributing nothing except for extra work for me and hassle.
i moved out. it's great without him underfoot.
his clothes are dirty? - not my problem.
his losing his job AGAIN? - not my problem
he's hungry? - not my problem
no milk for tea? - not my problem.
i'll agree with anvil. why bother going to work when you will support him? why bother doing HIS OWN LAUNDRY when you'll do it when you come back from your business trip.
the best solution, for myself, was to let him take care of himself and the only way that i could accomplish that was to get my own space. this level of incosideration and lack of respect will not be sorted in the near future, imho.
mine actually never changed. i had to visit his home the other day (some last business with him). he's living in an apartment that has been gutted, dirty mattress on the floor, flies flying inside, kitchen sink blocked, overflowing ashtrays, old food on plates on the floor, all the rubbish piled up in another bedroom...
try journaling these types of details...the true picture will emerge...
naive